Monday, February 20, 2012

And Then I Stood There, Staring In the Headlights

Funnily enough, while my face was buried in a Chipotle fajita bowl, my Mom found it a super awesome time to drop a Hey, Let's Shake Up Your Life bombshell.

Her sense of timing has always been particularly enjoyable. If only I were in 10th grade and she had just busted into my pink and purple floral bedroom while I gave my 12th grade boyfriend an H.J. when we're supposed to be doing chemistry.

We're doing chemistry of our own kind, MOM. Don't be embarrassing!

As I'm saucing my barbacoa, she gives me the suspiciously leading, "SO...."

I look up. She looks over. I figure she's finally going to talk to me about the birds and the bees or tampons or something equally uncomfortable.

"Is there going to be a wedding soon?" she inquired.

CHOKE. HOLY JESUS, my life just flashed before my very eyes!

Que the Mother/Daughter laughter and awkward moment of, "I can't fucking believe you just said that" ensues.

On such short notice, I found myself unable to come up with a solid lie to tell my Mom as any good daughter should, so instead I simply blurted out the honest truth.

"No" I told her, "I don't think so. I think you've got at least another year. We all know the glacial pace at which Chris moves in life."

She smiled and shook her head, shaming me and my expectations of disappointment yet again. We bantered back and forth about her confidence in Chris and my Fascist Perfectionism and do we want to get married in a church and you know your father loves a good party.

I think the thing we were both not saying was, HOLY FUCK BALLS, can you even fucking believe some poor bastard hasn't jammed a ring on those sausage fingers yet?!

Guys. I want to tell you a not so secret secret: I don't really care if we get married or not at this point.

Sure, there might be a tax benefit or something, but at this point in my/our lives, I feel like here we are with a dog and a house and neither of us is going anywhere. A legal document won't keep one of us from going somewhere, either, if that's what one of us wants to do.


I want to get married mostly for the sake of having a family. Because I'm old fashioned and have traditional values, you judgmental asswipes. I believe one of the primary functions of marriage is children and I'm not ready for that. I mean, I'm totally ready, but if this were a Value Menu and I were building my #6, I would take the dog and the boyfriend, the house, and the remaining 4 years on my Mirena with a Diet Coke.

I like working still, I like spending hours at a time at the gym if I feel like it, and I like giving the kids I raise back to the person that has to pay for them at 5pm.

Truth: I also want to get married because first of all, as lame as it is, I feel like calling him my husband rather than my boyfriend makes us more legitimate in other people's eyes. And also, B of all, I want to get married because, as lame as it is, I feel like it sort of proves his feelings for me.

Does that make sense or should I have left that in my therapy session?

I'm a girl and since I think roses suck and I would only want chocolates if I could eat them in a dark closet by myself, with me and my shame only, I need proof. Blood spatter on the walls, DNA under the fingernails, PROOF. He says it and I believe him and it's enough. Only I'm a girl and even though it's enough, it's not enough.

Only if you have a vagina are you nodding sagely-- KNOWINGLY-- at the completely reasonable nature of that statement.

Also, I love the fricken shit out of his ass and I really want to marry him and make babies and memories. Like, for as long as we both shall live.

That fell out of my fingertips. As long as I didn't let it fall out of my mouth in front of my Mom, I think it's okay to admit that. But Jesus help us all if she hears that and starts talking about playlists and officiants and you know your father loves a good party.

Because god dangit, that man does love a good party and no one, not no one, will party harder than him once we finally make honest spouses out of one another.

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