Thursday, February 9, 2012

Feeling Feverish

Do you ever feel so sick of everything that you start to feel sick for real?

Sick of the same people, the same places, the same food, the same schedule.

Sick of yourself?

While you could call it a case of cabin fever, it hasn't hardly been winter here in Minnesota this year, so you could even call it spring fever at this point. I've been feeling it for the past several weeks so intensely that my head throbs with migraines and I wake from hours of rest feeling anxious and exhausted with the day already. My anxiety bubbles up into my chest where it sits until I return to bed for respite from the fears, worries, and monotony of the day.

While I have dealt with depression and anxiety for all of my adult life, it somehow feels different this time. It doesn't feel sad or concerned about catastrophic events unfolding, it more feels like desperation and panic about every day life.

Deciding on what to have for breakfast has sent boulder sized lumps all the way up my throat lately. There is this frazzled, unfocused, and neurotic dialog going on in my head that I can't quite seem to quiet.

Life is so luscious right now. I have the job, the house, the boy, and the jam packed race and competition schedule I've been craving. My family is healthy. The sun should be shining in abundance in my world.

Am I waiting for the other shoe to drop?

Have I been so soured that I have become a Fatalist?

I wonder if abrupt and drastic change would be the cure. It feels like the pot is so quiet that maybe the boiling over is immanent: is it me or him or them or should I have gone to Florida for work after all?

What is it about me that can't let the waters or my nerves ever be calm?

The only thing more plentiful than this unsettled feeling is my gratitude for how lovely life really is at the moment. Which exacerbates the worry and compounds it with extreme guilt over what seems to be me sabotaging me with my own special blend of me-ness.

What do you do when you feel stir crazy and on the verge of standing in the open wilderness only to hear your own screams echo from the trees?

1 comment:

  1. I so hear you. I thought it was me and my neurosis creeping up again, but I think a lot of it has to do with the weather and the time of year. Even in the best snowiest winters this is the time when I'm itching for green and since we haven't had white green seems odd to pine after. As for the little stuff? I think us worriers find something to worry about when there's nothing big to worry over. Just know you're not alone and spring will come one way or another!


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